Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Ghost train




I’m ramping off a 10 year medically induced happy place because I want to. 
Well, not ramping, more like arms to the sides luging - no helmet.

The M.D’s eyes widened a professional millimetre. “ I usually like 
to support the transition off meds with supplements.” Dr. Kathy is 
a beautiful woman of inscrutable Chinese age. She also prescribes 
me Xanax so I love her. 

I said I was fine as long you didn't count the dizziness, electric skull buzzing 
and the fact that I’ve spent the last week sobbing over kittens on Pinterest.


“Taking three to six months tapering off anti depressants is more 
usual, she said, "especially ones like yours with a short half life.” 

Had I bothered to google, this would be known, but the anti-everything 
diet makes me feel invincible. I'm growing gills with the amount 
of fish oil on board.



Dr. Kathy says feeling this good after such a short time could be a honey moon 
period, so if I have a fight with myself the Xanax will come in handy. I’m 
about ready for a fight. The chocolate, caffeine and milk products were 
easy to cut, but I dream in pizza.





 I am also angry. Fist through the wall angry. Angry gets me up and out 
walking every morning, doing my shoulder rehab exercise and eating 
my quinoa and kale. It cleans the house and picks out random bits of dirt 
in tiny corners. It curls my lip at babies and flicky-haired girls 
with over large handbags.



I want to hurl a Molotov into the studio and never make another thing 
again. I want to hop off the hamster wheel of Facebook and not measure 
my worth in likes, followers or comments, and I will toss the bathroom 
scales in on top of the pyre and zumba while it burns.



I will make a swiss water method de caff soy latte because that’s part 
of the anti -everything diet. I will chew on kale and laugh as the scales melt 
because I wont be reminded the anti-fun diet resulted in zero weight loss 
even though Don has trimmed 5 kilos and was only on it to shake 
his pom poms for  me.



With the hindsight of the truly self absorbed, I tell myself these 
emotions are all part of the luge. I liked the last ten years in a pharmaceutical 
happy place. A relieved bargain struck with Pfizer where they bought 
the panic attacks and I sold the joy of dawn over Culburra beach and 
my sex drive.  The anger is strong, and it's swimming toward the light 
to gulp air and splash to shore. 

Better than sobbing kittens. 
I know the hard bit's over. 
I just wish there was pizza.


Once my shrink observed I hadn’t shed one tear or gotten angry throughout 
our entire 18 months work together, even though there was plenty to be 
sad and angry about. 

That was 16 years ago. 

I think there’s some tingling in the extremities because I can feel things. 
Things I can’t block out with chocolate or pills to the happy place.


get out of my happy place

It’s going to be another adventure, much like the jerky carts through
the dark on the ghost train when you were a kid. And if you see a headline 
that says crazed woman holds up pizza place, you’ll know it was me.


22 comments:

  1. Good luck girl! When my mother was prescribed anti depressants the doctor told they were like putting fuel in the tank of a car - but you still need to get in and drive it. Sounds like you're stealing the car and going ram-raiding. Hold on tight! x

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  2. get a pizza for me while your in there hon! you will rock gills and i think anger is underutilised myself! its my favourite emotion at the moment! x

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  3. Wishing you all the best in this endeavor. Be gentle with yourself. I've been on prozac/fluoxitine for 20 years now. My own particular body chemistry just needs that little boost to cope with my lifelong chronic low-grade depression. Glad you have the therapeutic support and xanax if you need it. xo

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  4. I see my face in your mirror. The only way out is through and f*ck 'em if they can't take a joke. xxx

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  5. I am 2 months clean after 6 years on anti d's and numerous attempts to give them up...the anger was like a fury unbeknown to any living thing but this this time I read a book...potatoes not Prozac thought to myself worth a try and well it worked and now I eat a banana before bed and feel a okay. take it easy my dear you will ind a path that suits xx

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    1. oh yes - the seratonin pre cursors. I'm sure pizza is laden with them. So is turkey.

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  6. Remembering when I went off cold turkey, sitting on the floor amidst 20 pre-k kids, crying, while my co-teacher called out, "are you sure you should stop?!?". Take care, I'll be thinking of you!

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  7. I'm usually a quiet follower, but wanted to stop today and say good for you! I did the same thing 3 months ago and have no regrets. I'm still a little bit of a sourdough bread craving, uncharming (to put it politely) crazy lady on some days - but they are tapering off. I'm mostly just my usual uncharming self ;)

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  8. You are truly gifted to have the ability to write like that...makes me want to drown a kitten for you....

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  9. Let me come by and make Pizza. I Love you D you are a special one.

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  10. Denise all the best with this. I admire how you can write out your pain and make it laugh out loud funny as well. Please take care..and make yourself a pizza!!!!

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  11. Great Stuff Miss. I am so proud of you. You are inspiring and brave and to tell the story makes it more incredible. Love ya work. LOL Ursula

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  12. What's in my head has already been said. Take care! (And doesn't it just pee you off when the other half loses the weight and you don't!)

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  13. Wow! This doesn't sound fun at all! Your really taking on quite a bit right now, best of luck! (Buster says No more kittens!)

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  14. Heck! All it takes for me is to be around cigarette smoke and I get a headache for days afterward. I hate prescription drugs as they always do MORE than what we bargained for. Our bodies are fragile and once those buggers get into our systems they alter our very most DNA molecules. It takes at least six months for any alien substance to leave our bodies. What a bummer! 'The road is long, the road is rough, I do believe I've had enough, I'm gonna turn around and head for home'...a song the Monkee's used to sing way back in the day. Hold on tight, my dear! Drink lots of water, lovely isn't it? You might try Zeoforce or Zeolite as it removes heavy metals from the body. This is the next step in getting toxins out of the body. Find it on Amazon. It gets the 'lead out'. They are using it for those who have been exposed to radiation in Japan. They also used it in Chernobyl. But I wouldn't use it for more than a month and do it under a holistic doctor's supervision. It is a volcanic ash which is also being used to purify water, instead of the foul use of chlorine and flouride. What is this world coming to? Everything is so polluted.
    Take care, I don't have to say stay focused as I know you already are! Also, I am taking Curcumin for over-all wellness. You may break out in hives, but that means the bad stuff is coming out. A spa routine might help, or hot spring mineral baths.

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  15. Well done, and so beautifully put! I agree - you write your pain and your journey so well. May I ask what your anti-everything diet is?
    Cheering for you!

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  16. Welcome to the land of feelings, well done I take my hat of to you. ;) ManonXx

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  17. Well done, and so beautifully put! I agree - you write your pain and your journey so well.
    http://beauty2beautytips.blogspot.com/

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  18. First, I love your language, syntax, and the use imagery and anthropomorhism! Now that I have appeased my inner nerd (LIE! I'm brazen with my nerd-like tendencies), let me also extend my best wishes on your journey through this life sans scripts. Suffering from bipolar, I have accepted a life of torment from childproof tops and chalky tongue. But it keeps me socially acceptable. At least until my nerd starts showing. Remain strong. And on the off chance you do hold up a pizza place, tell the bastards not to be stingy with the cheese!

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  19. First, let me say I love your language and syntax and your use of imagery and anthropomorhism. Now that I have appeased my inner nerd (LIE! I am brazen with my nerd-like tendencies), I wish you complete success in your journey through life sans scripts. Living with bipolar, I have accepted a life of torment from childproof lids and chalky tongue. But it keeps me socially acceptable. At least until my nerd starts showing. Remain strong! And on the off chance you do hold up a pizza joint, tell the bastards not to be stingy with the cheese.

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  20. You are a brave woman. I cut mine down gradually until I got to .5mg per day. When I stopped that, I could. not. function. I told my doc and he said, oh, for heaven's sake. You're not taking enough to hurt, so stay with it.

    You are a brave woman. I would probably have ended a life somewhere along the way by now. All best thoughts and hugs and kisses.

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