Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Sometimes you have to say it how it is

We were coming to the end of our session, Shrink and I. Not only was it the end of the year,
but also the end of the ten pack the government hands out to nuts like me.

We were doing typical end of year things, squaring off, taking the long range view,
and trying not to sweat the small stuff, when in his most delicate, round about,
super professional way, he suggested I get the fuck over it.

I blinked, internally deciphering his Shrink talk for a second and laughed.

I kept laughing as I handed over $200.

After nearly 18 years working on this stuff, his words were priceless.

Here's what else he said: Let go of whatever does not bring peace.
By now I was practically throwing money at him, but our time was up.

Oh yeah.
So stunningly simple and proactive and OBVIOUS. That's what I love about my Shrink.

He could have had me coming back every week, picking over the scabs of my past, but I'd never actually get to be in the present. He could round up another nut-pack of government semi funded sessions and keep his rent paid.

His timing was perfect. It was time to be nudged from the nest and fly.

"the parting"  journal page

So while I was born into a family of multi generational Satanists with very weird sexual boundaries, I'm not going to let it mess up this end of my life. They got to have the first bit, the rest is mine.

I'm going to let Bruce be the only one that chews an old bone here. He knows how to stay in the present, shaking off things with his slobbery chops.

Not that it's easy - a stray thought wanders in and swirls about, gathering up other little tumble thought bunnies and soon you're gnawing away at that old thing again. 

Will this bring peace?
Most times the answer is no.
And that is all. That old bone fades away and the present is a beautiful place to be.

details of bruce's portrait with heart stone

I'm settling for peace.
What are you doing this year?


  1. Ya, it pretty much sucks when those old ghosts come a-haunting, it almost seems as if there is nothing you can do to stop them. Until you remember they are just ghosts, and get on with your day, and remember your doing just fine in spite of them!

  2. Peace is my word for the year
    living in the present
    and simplicity...dogs own that one hands down...
    love the portrait of Bruce (also my husbands name)
    we have three dogs and though one just puked all over the bed, they are the best therapy around ;)
    wishing you a peaceful new year...

  3. Gee, you could've saved yourself $200 and a few months of your time and bought a Buddhist book instead. Still, the shite does take time to drain out of your system, and it may never be fully gone. You just learn how to look at it head on and tell it to shut the fuck up for a bit. Bringing yourself back to the present moment several million times a day also helps. Every day.

  4. oh wow! I just got to this point too, just this week. Synchronicity :)

  5. we ar dancing on the same page my darling! it's where i am and i feel fresh in the letting go! those stray thoughts need a smack! i am seeking gratitude to keep them out and feeling like life is an adventure again, i am painting for the first time in ages again and have joined a ruby team!! x

  6. Profoundly expressed. A heroic turn of direction. Good for you.

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  8. I love seeing your journal, love Bruce's embroidered portrait. Peace, or the absence of agitation, has a lot to recommend it. I fall back to a line from a David Mamet movie (STATE AND MAINE), "Well, THAT happened." And eventually we find the right tools to scrape it away like gum from the bottom of our shoe. We believe we've been altered, stolen away from what we were intended to be, by experiences, but how do we know that - all events may have brought us to this exactly right place, a place we could not have reached without them. It is all a mystery. We keep what benefits us and let go of the rest. Hooray for you and your courage. Love, xoxo

  9. Let go sounds simple, but putting into practice is another story. I have a big STOP sign in my head that I wave about or shout out when I'm regressing............

  10. Don't let the old ghosts get you! Be brave .... this is mine. Have a great year.

  11. This is my mantra: "quiet mind, open heart, big sky." When I catch myself thinking that old stale negative self talk crap, I just keep saying my mantra. Also I have added praying for others sorrows as a way to block out the negative.

    Walking in the woods every day helps, too.

    Happy 2014!

  12. Yes. I recently cleaned up a bit of my studio. I'd been putting it off because it seemed insurmountable. In putting it off for a year or two, each time I thought about it I felt stress. To a greater or lesser degree. It was ridiculous, really. I didn't want to do it, so I had myself trapped in a cycle of avoidance through ignorance through stress. cycle cycle. My legs were getting tired.

    One morning, I got up, having not thought about it for another couple of weeks, and it just came to me to DO something about it. I worked and worked. And in four hours or so, I had half the studio organized. and the RELIEF! the PEACE! And I heard myself saying to myself: What the hell took you so long to make peace? It was so fucking simple to just choose it.

    I don't believe in satan god heaven hell destiny luck blessings or curses. I believe in self-created prisons because they EXIST. And I am breaking through mine day by day, toward peace. I'm glad that I am not waiting until I turn to ashes.

    HAPPY FOR YOU! Now, put your money back in your pocket!

    (Hey: I need a G+ thingie to push, here.)

  13. Thank you for sharing this, you write so well. Here's to peace, creativity and holding on to the power to direct our own lives.

  14. Here's to peace. Wise words indeed.

  15. OH!  I know this story, well, they weren't satanists (though one of them was possessed by demons), moving on is just the thing I'm hoping for this year.  You give me hope-THANK YOU for all of this!

  16. Yayyyyyy like Eliza Doolittle "You got it, You finally got it" ☺
    Your post is tantalising, your choices are superb. Mega Congrats Darling for sorting through the shite. No go blow that extra cash you're gonna have on something peacefully gorgeous. XO

  17. and thru all that you created some absolutely stunning pieces, love your work :) heres to a peaceful 2014 :)

  18. That's wonderful - sounds like a good therapist who wants the best for you and knew you were ready!
    Someone suggested to me saying "thank you mind" when one of the less helpful, peace-sucking thoughts pops up. It's a way of de-fusing and not getting tangled with the thought. You can't help what comes up but you don't have to dwell, or so the theory goes.
    Another good one (that I'm applying as I slowly declutter my cluttered house) is "let go of what no longer serves you".
    Have a great 2014!

  19. Amazingly wonderful/perfect post! (He could have said, "go forth and prosper" which mine said many years he was laughing and shaking my hand!) Your post has made my day!

  20. Lol... you have a wonderful sense of humour , and I have a clear picture in my mind of that last session. Now get ye back to yoga.... and don't forget to sort out that shoulder. xoxo

  21. I'm going to remember those words!
    Priceless and inspiring, as always x

  22. Wonderful, beautiful post, Lovely Bruce portrait. xoxo

  23. Some beautiful work has come out of all your chaos, work with real meaning and thought in it. (Thank God you hid the vintage linen from those mothers).

  24. Good for your shrink. Good for you.
    Second to last photo is exquisitely lovely.

  25. I have come to the full realization that the only person I can ever change is myself. This has helped me a lot in 'getting over' things I never had control over in other people's attitudes in the first place.

    I really, really appreciated the post you did about Melissa Bolton's Archetypal Branding. After I took the free self-assessment, the results truly empowered me.

    Peace is good.

  26. brilliant grrl & dog you are an awesome duo, all the best for 2014! missed your stichings last year at Carriageworks Markets and now the Markets are gone too!

  27. Well, I guess that's why he makes the big bucks...

  28. Go you... fabulous post Grrl!!!
    well said!

  29. Your writing always inspires me. What a place to find yourself. It wouldn't have worked if he said get over it in session one. First you had to have your story and feelings validated. Peace to you. Enjoy this end of your life


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